Wednesday, September 19, 2007

OJ Holds The News Hostage (Tuesday's Show)

Hi guys. Well, I decided not to boycott tonight because I thought for sure there was no way they would do another whole show almost completely devoted to OJ Simpson. I was wrong. I was very, very wrong. I think they're trying to kill me. It's quite a diabolical way to get rid of an Internet pest, I must say. Speaking of diabolical, one of the commenters from my last post, and a friend have both brought up the possibility that maybe writer Gabe Falcon was actually trying to get negative comments when he put up his post on the 360 blog. You know, kind of as a way to show the corporate overlords that people really don't want to watch crap. Of course I'm pretty sure the only thing the suits care about is ratings, so . . . there's that. It would make Gabe look like a non evil genius though, wouldn't it?

The show kicks off with Anderson Cooper talking to Jeffrey Toobin about the latest "OJ news" and given that I've avoided this stuff thus far like the plague, I have no idea what's going on. I don't feel bad about this though, because Toobin says he doesn't know either. Oh, sure, I could use some brain power to actually try to figure out what's the what, but , um, no. I could totally care less, so this will be AC360 Review's official most half-assed review ever.

So anyway, there's talk of a sting or something and you know what would be awesome? If this whole robbery, kidnapping, whatever the hell happened, is actually an elaborate set up by Denise Brown to get OJ to pay for the murder of Nicole. I can see the last shot of the made-for-tv movie now (oh, you know there's going to be one): we'll see the conspirator on the phone, confirming that the deal has been done. Then the shot will move to the person on the other end of the line and it's Denise. Dun dun dun!

Hey look, now Ted Rowlands is here to join the party. Actually Ted and a dude from The Smoking Gun have been there with Toobin pretty much the whole time. I told you this was half-assed. Anderson asks Ted if he's been talking to some people. It turns out that, yes, he has been talking to some people. Hey, I've been talking to some people too! I wonder if Ted is excited to be on the OJ story or if he's going to cry himself to sleep tonight. Ted's pretty cute, actually. These are the stellar observations I have for you guys when they do crap news. Here's another one: Anderson's face is periodically green in this segment. 360 lighting or my tv? That is the question. Oh, or maybe he's disgusted with the topic.

Next up we have a Joe Johns piece on sports memorabilia. And apparently, there's a sports memorabilia underworld! Ooooh. Also? People actually buy OJ's stuff. If I wasn't a big supporter of civil rights and all that jazz (heh), I'd say those people should be made to wear special tee shirts, so that the rest of us can more quickly identify and avoid the moronic. Or they should just be shot.

Now we're moving on to Anderson talking with an OJ merchandise dude about some sort of controversy and it's all very EXCLUSIVE. The guy is a terrible interview, but he's against OJ, so I like him. After this we're back with Toobin and Ted and then, hey, let's go into OJ's head! 360 has got themselves a psychiatrist to go all Bill Frist on The Juice. Is OJ a sociopath? Hmm. How come no one ever speculated about Karl Rove like this? I guess it's easy to do it to celebrities that actually don't matter.

From there we go to Toobin and some other dude and they're talking about whether or not this is going to divide the country again. Hold the phone! Are you people saying we're about to go through another long OJ trial? Seriously, do you want me to cry? Because I'll cry.

Transitioning now to . . . "Raw Politics" with Tom Foreman. Oh, thank God. I'd kiss Tom's feet except, well, that would be weird. Anyway, we begin with the news that Obama has unveiled a new tax reform plan that will give Grover Norquist nightmares. Basically he's going to get rid of the tax cut for the wealthy and give a break to the poor/middle class. Sounds good to me. I'm guessing there's a few thousand lobbyists that will not agree. Next up, we have some polls and learn that 54% of Americans think the economy is good. I guess they didn't hear Greenspan's recent recession comments. Oh, and that war thing? Still not popular. Tom also tells us that apparently the Religious Right are no longer the bell of the conservative ball. The four top presidential candidates skipped one of their forums in Florida. Ooh diss! Next, we learn that "Senator Larry 'Watch Your Feet' Craig is back in the Capitol." Bwah! Oh, 360. And finally, a Nebraska state senator is suing God. No, really.

Erica Hill brings us the headlines, one of which being the tasering that occurred at the University of Florida. Google it up. I'm not providing any links because there are a bunch of videos and you pretty much need to see several of them to get an idea of what actually happened. My take? The kid was out of line and shouldn't have resisted, but the cops used way too much force. Anderson notes that the kid said, "Don't taser me, bro," and jokingly admits that if someone called him "bro" maybe he'd want to taser them too. Anderson does not like to be called "bro." Duly noted. And, OMG, is that what happened with Rick Sanchez? Anderson also lets us know that, "I am so doped up on Theraflu I don't know whether I'm coming or going." Oh, so he's sick and drugged up. This explains a lot. Kidding. Sort of. The Shot tonight is a bear! Oh, how we love the bears. Well, except for Stephen Colbert. Erica then uses the Dramatic Animal Video graphic to raise another bear video and this was all very cute but . . . the little buggers are still getting a D- Bring back the news, 360! You know you want to.


Blogger Pati Mc said...

Hey Eliza,

Heh heh...this HAS to be said:

The ONLY thing good about this OJ bull$%*& is the fact that it brings out your HYSTERICALLY FUNNY sense of humor. Reading your blog is the only thing that seems to be keeping me sane during this period of total insanity. For this, I thank you from the bottom of my heart and from the top of my fevered brow.

Like Anderson, I am doped up on TheraFlu and I am about to pass out.(thanks for the heads up on the TheraFlu Anderson - me likey!) Luckily I read your post first and after coughing my head off, was able to send this off before falling comatose into bed.

Rock on! Keep up the good work - it is such a pleasure to find someone with my sick sense of humor and your rapier wit writing the truth.

It has been my pleasure to read your comments. Thanks again.

1:48 PM  
Blogger eliza said...

@pati mc-Thanks! You're too kind. This kind of coverage can definitely make one go crazy. Feel better!

3:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you're too generous with the grading. i'd give them a big fat FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
shame on 360 for ignoring the real news once again.

7:51 PM  

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